


Shenanigans at Avengers Park

by caseykaboom



Series: Shenanigans at Avengers Park [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, F/M, M/M, Pets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-25
Updated: 2013-12-25
Packaged: 2018-01-06 03:45:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1102020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caseykaboom/pseuds/caseykaboom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where the Avengers have pets and they play in the same park. Crack fic. Beware the mighty "?????".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shenanigans at Avengers Park

**Author's Note:**

> Pet (animal, owner):  
> Thor (dog, Loki)  
> Tony (robot/cat, Pepper)  
> Steve (dog, Coulson)  
> Natasha (cat, Clint)  
> Other-Clint (crow, Natasha)  
> Bruce (raccoon, stray/wild)  
> Nick Fury (sparrow, stray/wild)

"Friends!" A voice boomed.

"Holy shit everyone duck, incoming house," and Tony ducked shamelessly under Steve. Mmm so warm and furry.

Steve sighed and stepped over him. "Hi Thor," he said to the excessively cheerful and panting house. No, Tony maintained that he was a small house, he was _huge_.

"Caw," other-Clint said, from on top of Tony's head. Tony jumped and swatted at him. Other-Clint cackled and flew up to perch on the tree, just out of reach.

"No, seriously, other-Clint, we have to work on something for you to talk, this is just a _disgrace_." (I _can_ talk :'(, other-Clint thought, you just don't _understand_ me.) "But yes, I concur, What the fuck even _are_ you, new guy?" Tony asked.

"Hello, friends! I am Thor! Mighty God of Thunder!" He beamed.

"Wow, and here I thought _I_ was the one with all the identity issues. Nope, just your run-of-the-mill robot that identifies as a cat that identifies as a human, nothing to see here."

If there was a punctuation that represented how confused you were, that was what Thor sounded out. Tony dubbed it temporarily as a mighty " ** _?????_** ", at least until he invented a better one. They all ignored Thor out of pity.

"So you do know you're not actually a cat," Natasha said. "Shit why did I even bother being careful around you, I thought I was gonna break your puny little mind."

"Of _course_ I knew, I have to be plugged into a wall every night. And you're not actually capable of breaking my mind, _hello_ I'm the robot here, I'm like a-- hey, stop-- a genius-- yowch _hey just because you know all that cat-fu shit I don't_ \--"

"Quit it, you two," Steve barked and separated them with a rough nuzzle. Natasha stood down without a hair out of place, the bastard, while Tony smoothed himself down indignantly, looking like he just stepped out of a windstorm.

"Thor, welcome to Avengers Park. This is Tony, that's Natasha, and up on the tree is other-Clint. His name is actually Clint but Natasha insists." Natasha rolled her eyes. "Everyone, this is Thor. My mom babysits him sometimes, when his mom is away."

Natasha nodded to Thor gracefully, other-Clint cawed (ugh), and Tony pranced over and headbutted him in the leg. "So you don't live around here, then? Who's your mom? Do we know her?"

"My Mother is my Brother!" Thor boomed happily.

"... What (caw)," they said more or less in unison, including Steve. Tony later thought that was _hilarious_.

" ** _?????_** ", said Thor.

"... I think I need a drink," Natasha said, and turned to leave. She almost face-planted in the grass when she tried to raise three legs at once. Other-Clint fluttered after her, worried and quiet, and tried his best to help balance her without actually touching her. Which was, shall we say, difficult.

"Yeah, uh. Think I need a recharge, too," Tony muttered, also walking away.

Steve found himself suddenly the only one in the field with Thor. He looked around helplessly.

"So, uh, Thor," he cleared his throat. "What did you mean when you said your mom is your brother?"

"My Mother's name is Loki!" Thor said, by way of explanation.

" ** _?????_** ," Steve said.  
  
+++

"I like eyeballs," other-Clint said.

"And the 'best first words uttered' award goes to you. It's official, I'm making it official, I just invented it and I'm making it official," Tony said.

"What, I'm a crow! It's in my nature! I love that stuff I can't help it!" other-Clint squawked.

"Where would you even get... eyeballs," Steve said.

"Uh... Places? No no no, not like actual eyeballs most of the time!" other-Clint flustered when everyone took a step back. "But like there are substitutes! Things that are round and shiny! Stuffed olives!"

"Stuffed _olives_ ," Tony grimaced. "Wait, green or black?"  
  
Steve nudged him disapprovingly, and Tony shut up, but not because he didn't like it.

"Think carefully before you answer, friend," Thor said gravely.

"What-- what's wrong with olives!?" other-Clint shrieked, fluttering his wings wildly. "They taste great! And they look so much like eyeballs! I appreciate the representation of such an uncommon commodity! It's _art_ , you oafish mammals... uh, Tasha? What's, um, what's up?"

"Oh, nothing," Natasha said mildly, pausing in her stalking to look innocently at the sky.

"Oh, okay, it's just, you know, you have your _srs bsns_ face on and I can't help but think that it's directed toward me for some reason..." other-Clint stuttered, carefully backing away from her.

"Come now, darling, I would never," Natasha cooed.

"D-- you called me darling..." other-Clint's eyes glazed over, taking a step toward Natasha.

With a chorus of "it's a trap don't fall for it she's a _spy_ \--" and "be careful, other-Clint--" and " ** _?????_** ", Natasha pranced on other-Clint. Feathers flew. "Things that are round and shiny, other-Clint? Now _whatever could those be_? Give me back my marbles, THIEF!"

"What!? They're _mine_ ," other-Clint whined, trying to gain height. "They were mine _to begin with_ , I _need_ them to drink, I don't know why my mom does it but she _never_ fills my bottle all the way up anymore and now she _locks_ my food in my plate and your cat food tastes _disgusting_ \--"

"Did you just say you've been _eating my food_ \--!?" Natasha disappeared in the tree after him.

"Sometimes I want to eat something without having to solve puzzles or pick locks, yes! I GET HUNGRY I'M SORRY AHHHHHH"

"SHUT UP YOU OVERSIZED BIRD YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ABLE TO TALK"

"I'M SORRY CAW CAW"

"STOP _SAYING_ CAW WHAT THE FUCK"  
  
":'((((("

"WILL YOU STOP MAKING THAT SOUND HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE TO SOUND OUT JESUS CHRIST"

Down below the tree, Steve recovered first. "... So, uh. Welcome... welcome to Avengers Park, as I said," he cleared his throat around the feathers and leaves that continued to float down. Thor was still looking up into the tree.

"You have... mighty friends," Thor said quietly. Steve got the feeling that this was the first time "quietly" applied to his speech. He chuckled and bumped him in the shoulder. "Yeah, they're pretty great," he said. "C'mon, let's go find Bruce, Natasha's gonna need a hand getting back down. You coming, Tony?"

"I DO _NOT_ REQUIRE A HAND TO COME DOWNNNNN" Natasha yelled.

"Yeah, she does," other-Clint swooped down, flying crooked and wheezing. Bits of his wings were missing feathers and leaves were stuck everywhere on him. "Mind finding Bruce to get her? Thanks, guys. I'm gonna stick around and talk to her some more. Fuck, been wanting to do it for _ages_. Thanks, Tony, for this thing. You're the best." He took off again. "I'll save you some olives next time you come by!"

"Keep them to yourself!" Tony called after him. "Oh hey Bruce, we were just gonna go find you."

"I could hear you guys all the way from home," Bruce laughed softly. "Hey Tony, hey Steve. Who's the big guy?"

"Friend Bruce!" Thor said. "It is nice to make your acquaintance! I'm Thor, God of Thunder!"

"Yeah, and I'm the Incredible Hulk," Bruce muttered. "Is he always like this?" he turned to Steve and Tony. "I'm sure I can find help for him somewhere..."

"No need, Bruce, but thanks for the thought." Steve winced. "He's... not from around here."

"Yeah, no kidding," Tony sniggered. "Ask him who his mom is."

"No thanks," Bruce said. "You _all_ identify weirdly." Tony had to concede that he had a point. "So Natasha's up on this tree?" He climbed, slowly disappearing into the tree.

A one-eyed sparrow flew down suddenly, landing in the middle of Thor, Steve, and Tony, wearing other-Clint's speech renderer. "Wussup, m'afuckers?" He chirped.

Thor started, and Tony could see his brain clicking: that is Friend other-Clint's device, this is not Friend other-Clint, _attack_ , and a second later the sparrow was a continuous stream of "@#$%!&" inside Thor's mouth. And then other-Clint flew down, cawing furiously, and Thor spat the bird out, drenched and shivering and limping away. Bruce climbed down the tree holding Natasha by the scruff of her neck, and she hit other-Clint in the head before putting the speech renderer back on him. Steve gently picked up Tony's jaw and closed it.  
  
+++

"Have you ever wondered where Bruce lives," other-Clint said, thoughtfully. They were back at home, fed, and ready for bed.

"Shut the fuck up," Natasha said, yawning.


End file.
